Lovely

Eyes Wide Selfish

Fishbowl Margaritas, Online Chats and Coffee Shops. Random situations that lead to interesting discoveries. Or just selfish wantings. I don't honestly know.
Someone asked me the other day a question that normally would be (and at the time was) really lame. But I couldn't help think about it mainly because I just wanted to say something clever back. But couldn't.
Question: "When was the last time that someone worked to make you feel special?"
I don't even know the person who asked, and normally I would have said "nice line" or something along those lines. But lately I keep thinking about it more and more based on conversations that I have recently had with a few of my valued friends. And really the true answer I think would be "when I first started dating my old boyfriend." Not bad eh?
Except that that was two and a half years ago. So many things have come and gone since then. Both good and bad. But that is still a long time.
I feel like I have been missing out on a lot of things since then, and even earlier with other things. Gill and I plus margaritas equaled some amazing truth the other night. I now know why none of my past relationships have ever worked, and found warning signs that I should have noticed way before I did. Thus comes our newest breakdown of relationships: so many people say that they are forever. But what they should be saying is how can I fight to make sure that there is never a not-forever. My past relationships were either one sided (I always seem to fall first) or no sided and just were together because we had been together for so long that it was the norm. With Gill and Chris, they fight for each other, where as with anyone I have been with, we just fought with each other.
And this goes similarily with some of my very old friends. We grew up together. And not just for a few year. I am talking since Kindergarten for most of us. For years we never left each others sides. But why is it that I can not remember a time when we truly went out of our way to do something amazing for each other. New friends that I have made have opened my eyes to my relationships with these people. Birthdays were often forgotten rather then planned for weeks in advance. So much time has past over the past year that some of us would be embaressed to call another up because we are almost strangers. Yet I hear of surprises and best friends spending an entire day together because they miss each other and yet see them almost every day. I don't remember the last time I talked to some of mine. Best friends forever? True best friends in my mind are those i'd-fight-to-make-forever. Because it doesn't just happen. Time happens and so does distance if you don't work. But thats it. No one worked. And I am guilty of it too.
So when is the last time that someone worked to make me feel special? I don't know.
This really is a selfish blog. But then I am just in a selfish mood. I shouldn't be because I know that I still have so much love around me. And I hope that I never take it for granted. But I can't help look to see if there is a little bit more. I am tired of one sided, and hope to never again become no-sided. Time happens, but I wonder if the happen can come along more often then the time part.
This is the end of the selfish blog. Everyone has one. Not every one voices them. So everyone take a second to be selfish. You would actually be doing me a favor because maybe then I won't feel so guilty. Good night.

posted by Leah Wilburn @ 1:53 AM