Lovely

Madness

Long drive home tonight. But it was a long time for me to think. And to breathe, it seems like I haven't done that in a while. For some reason remembering to breathe brought tears too. Sometimes you just need to I guess.
Kind of of odd because I don't really have too many reasons to want to. My summer is looking like madness, but at least I am keeping busy. It's keeping my mind elsewhere then places where it wants to roam. The tanning salon is fine; busy but fine. And hopefully this other job doesn't tear me limb from limb. I'd hate to screw it up. And the commercial today was a great time. I can't wait until my entire career is that, and not just random jobs for a couple of bucks. It will happen.
But I still am stressing about work, no matter what. I just can't help it. And I can't stop thinking about getting that apartment in Aug. Plus I have been neglecting my eating habits yet again and have come back to poor Leah style eating; which is pretty much anything that is free, whether it is healthy or not. I need to start the workout routines sometime. Goals cannot be achieved by not even starting them. And I have not even started to work on any material for next year.
Also I feel terrible as a friend. I hate that I lost someone that I cared about so much. Actually what I hate even more is our damned pride. Mine first. I did what I did to stop from getting hurt. But yet I'm still hurting because I can't accept the consequences. I never imagined the hostility that would arise from this, but it doesn't look to ever be remedied. I can't apologize because every time I do, nothing changes and I wind up back at square one. I wish that I wasn't here. Not in Stony, Edmonton, or even Alberta. Because I just don't know what to do here anymore, I feel like I'm driving myself insane.
I am off now, I need to rest my exhausted mind. As soon as I try to relax I wind up thinking too much. Typical Leah.

posted by Leah Wilburn @ 11:18 PM