Lovely

Leah: Part One

In response to the blog of a long lost, truly missed best friend and recent events I have decided that I really need to take a weekend (or week) and re-evaluate who I am. My goal and dreams. My relationships. My own personality. That is the key one.
A good friend was given a task regarding me "Something that you have always wondered about me"
His reply: "How you have the will power to forget and forgive so many people and continue being their friends after they have burnt you harshly. I admire!"
But I am going to ask whoever reads this now: is that really admirable? Or is it just naive? Because when I think back to all the times that I have been burnt (and there are so many more that this friend didn't even know about) I realize how some were small and inconsequential. But others.. others have to led to more and more and then more times again where I just set myself up again to be hurt.
I need to discover the real me. Not the theatre me, or the Stony Plain me, or the jock me, or the lover me. But the blender version of everything that I am and love and have experienced. because I change all the time. Moods will always effect us, so I can't help that.
My biggest problem is my relationships with ... everyone. I know right now that I love too easily. I can't help that. Underneath my "I'm one of the guys" Leah, there is an incredibly romantic Leah. Alright romantic may be the wrong word to use. I mean yes romantic because I want to be loved and love someone else. But also I just have a romantic view on life itself. There is the Hollywood Leah talking. This is what I mean.
Biggest revelation of late: I don't know have the things that I think I know. My mind fastens an image onto everything that maybe I need to understand more first. Because when something happens that is contrary to my image, I find it hard to take. And hard to believe. And in the end, often get burnt by not being smarter.
So back to the romantic Leah. She also realized something. I took a look at my hero's. Especially the one living currently. Angelina Jolie is a single mother. Now twice. A single mother raising two children, caring for entire nations (UN Goodwill Ambassador) and still working in the career that she loves and revels in. A academy award winner, HBO award winner twice. Divorced twice. That is a huge life. But I can't stop thinking about her children. A SINGLE mother. I can't stand being a single student even though I am too busy for a relationship in my mess of a life right now. But look at everything that she has accomplished. And it's not that some one left her, this was her choice. Yes, she has the love of her children, but still. She is an incredibly strong woman and for that I know why I idolize and love her. I could never imagine being that strong. But I want to be.
Anyway, this post I guess is going to have to be left unfinished. Because until I do sort some things out, there is no end. I guess there never really is.
But I am tired so we'll save that for another day. For now, I don't want to even think one more thought tonight.

posted by Leah Wilburn @ 10:40 PM