Lovely

I am Afraid

I have been last year Leah again lately. And I am very afraid. I have no reason to go back there, I love every single thing about my life right now. Well, everything is content and most everything is fantastic. So why?
I got to talk to my parents tonight after a slight worry that something bad had happened. Thank god it was my imagination but it made me realize how much I miss them. I could not wait to get out of that place and into my own space and start my own life. But you never can really escape your family, if you keep even the smallest piece of them with you. And although moving out was the best thing that I have done so far (including helping with school, stress, and family issues) I really miss having that family around. Because no matter how annoyed I was or they were, I never actually thought that they did not love me, or that they were not trying to protect me. And how can you beat a love that strong that no matter how difficult the obstacle or how rough the road gets you never question the love underneath? I love you so much.
This also made me question other areas in my life where I have been feeling afraid. There were, unfortunatly, more then one. But I finally confronted one and though it was incredibly scary (fearing that I had lost the absolute best thing that I have right now) I got to the other side and I am not afraid anymore. For the time being. You can't live without fear all the time because then you will never be able to grow and learn. Each fear is the next step up the stairs.
To a second fear, I am starting to conquer you. Each step is not perfect, each look or motion is not solid. But the blueprints are starting to lay themselves out. And being the math girl that I am, I like blueprints. They make me smile and represent a challenge. And this makes me smile more then anything. "Fearless". Thats what she said to me. "Fearless". I think that that is possibly the best compliment that I have ever recieved, especially from someone that I look up to. Thank you so much. I won't let you down, I promise. Cross my heart.
Finally the last big fear on my plate as of right now. Sure there are more, but these are the three that are always on my mind lately. And this is one that I have been trying to conquer for some time. But always to no avail. So I am thinking now that it is time to be the bigger person and put it aside. Though it is going to be incredibly hard to do. And the scariest part is that it is going to hurt. A great great deal. And maybe not just me. I am positive that it will hurt someone else as well. I think. And I don't want to do that. But do I make it easier and finite for myself and harsh and sudden on them? Or do I do what I have been failing at for the past half a year and let it completely drift away from the other person? I don't want to be a forgotten memory because I will never be able to forget. Ahh, I just don't know what to do.
But I think that I will dwell on that one later (haha, where have I heard that before...) and think about the other two fears that are making my life so amazing right now. Because that is a much happier place for me to be. Eventually i hope that the other one stops hurting and that I finally stop having to fear it.
For now, on to much more difficult questions: like what to get everyone for christmas...... scary I know.

posted by Leah Wilburn @ 12:02 AM