Broken Blog Broken Car Broken Spirit
I had such an amazing reading week. I honestly felt like I've become myself again. Key word: felt. Because now it's time for school again. Time for ridiculous amounts of hours devoted to being at the good ol' block of cheddah. But you know what, that sounds like I'm complaining about the program and I'm not. I love everything that it has to offer. I love being pushed hard to get great results and knowing that the end product is going to be astounding. But there are other aspects of it that don't agree with me so well. Call me childish, but I miss high school. Sure, I am glad to be done with the school portion but lets bring back the friendships and actual good times. High school was amazing for those times where I could never have a weekend free of parties and just seeing everyone and having an awesome time. Here well, lets just say the the phone calls are absolutly non-existant and my cell seems to only make one call - to a best friend who I miss like no other and is probably getting sick of the amount of times I call him. Sorry babe, but I seem to have a list of one who actually talk to me. Love you.
On a different note, I have been trying to learn my lines. And I was doing a decent job for a while. But its gotten to the point where there is only so much that I can do on my own. And that point was reached a while ago. and its not like I ever actually talk/hang out with anyone from school. such is life, oh well. I hope that Ken doesn't kill me. Anyone know my super-objective???
Well, time to live out of car again. and eat everything on sale at iga. and have no life. thank god for the wangers, I don't know what I'd do without them.
Goodbye Reading Week..Hello Living out of Car again...
woo woo... I sure am excited to be done reading week soon... For the tired/dumb/ones who don't know me, that definatly was not true excitement. I wish that this past week could have been a month or so. But heres the update considering I don't remember the last time I blogged according to events of week (don't worry, I'm only updating past week not since that forever I was talking about)
Hung out with Dee and Rachel all weekend before reading week. It was so awesome to get to hang out with you guys. Though I am dreadfully upset about Mayzie... :( Get well soon. Miss you already Dee! (I could mention a party in here, but I want to consider it a good weekend, so we'll leave that out. Save for a good talk)
Sunday: re-united with bestest best friend. I love you. So incredibly much - crosses heart ;)
Monday: yay for trying to memorize confusing chekhov. Met up with Chris and Gill for movie. Went to pool hall. played pool. at the hall. of pool
Tuesday: went to work. had to leave work early. lets leave out the rest of night
Wednesday: went out for din din with family....mmm sawmill.. rig and gill over for drinks and laughs. gill stays over (I love you gill)
Thursday: up early to go to high school. car breaks!!! drive moms mini van. guest speaker for drama 20 and 30's. re-unite with bestest drama teacher ever. And teacher-friend ever! Saw Metamorphasis. SOO GOOD!
Friday (today..finally): up early to pick up car (suddenly not so broken... odd indeed) work on chekhov again definatly have not cleaned hurricane mess of room. Went to high school yet again to help with the play. missing it.. I think so. Saw robin and julie (definatly have not seen them since grad) Time for a night on the town with good ol buddy Alison. haven't been to a club with you for..well ever. Can't wait babe.
Oh my goodness its just not enough time to see everyone and do everything that I want. Jeff, I didn't even get to see you once. Thank you for letting me bother you for so long on the phone both times at the cit. muah (X1000000) And to all of my old childhood friends: we have been together for almost 16 years or so. I can't believe how much the time has flown by. With school being so busy, I never see anyone anymore, and in just a few short minutes, I realized what I have been missing over the past 6 months. Thank you for being with me over the past week. I had almost forgotten what that kind of friendship was like. I promise that I'll keep in touch more. I miss you guys all so much that I want to cry just thinking about it. I'll never forget ever. you guys were always there when I really needed it, and still are, even after being apart for so long. No one since has ever been like that to me. You guys made me who I am. And who I want to be. Thank you so much. love and hugs
(now I am crying, thanks guys)
There is my week. whew...
Absolutely Ridiculous
pain
: An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder. suffer
: To feel pain or distress ;
To tolerate or endure evil, injury, pain, or deathcry
: To sob or shed tears because of grief, sorrow, or pain; weep. love
: Out of compassion; with no thought for a rewardunderstand
: To have understanding, knowledge, or comprehension.I'll never get that last one. I don't think that I ever will. And I can't stop killing myself because of it. Get out of my head and out of my life. I hate all the thoughts in my head. And in my life. I don't have any problems. I am not dying. I am not in poverty. I haven't lost anyone dear to me. Yet why doesn't it stop?
Btw, please stop reading my blogs. They are not happy. They are not sensible. I'm done with them. I'm done with trying to understand. I don't want sympathy. I don't want help. I don't deserve anything. My blogs are an outlet for everything ridiculous in my head. Tomorrow it will probably be something completely different. That's all. Why bother to post? Its my thought outlet, and by being public that means they're mostly censored.
ha, this is a perfect example. Within the time it took me to write, I am now better. Welcome back calm Leah. Goodnight.
Empty space that once was a phone call
What to do. I'm lost. Searching for something that isn't there. Was. And isn't now. Maybe it's my fault. Fuck it, I refuse to say that it's my fault. I am allowed to have feelings dammit. And when those feelings are really hurt, why should I have to apologize?
holding onto someone holding onto someone
It's like that picture of a king holding a book with a picture of a king holding a book with a picture of a king holding a book with a picture of a king holding a book with a picture of a king... etc etc. Or putting two mirrors together and looking at the tunnel of millions of faces, all going further and further away. And in the end, you are left holding that picture as close as you can or peering into that mirror until your eyes hurt in an attempt to see the final outcome. But it eventually only leaves you with a headache for trying... and a heartache for failing.
"When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,Wretched, bored, dejected; onlyHere's the rub, my darling dear,I feel the same when you are here."- - - - Samuel Hoffenstein
Then why do we still keep trying?
My Computer is Broken!
So that explains why the recent lack of blogging. I am currently at Ash's place and dying hair....eep. Results soon to be posted. Rooting for not-so-total disaster. Definatly am having a large beef with recent experiances and being left out in the cold. Oh well, I guess it's understandable. Okay, no its not. But whatever, I don't even care anymore. It happened, I was pissed. End of story. People can come to me from now on, I'm tired of being the stray alley-cat looking for a meal.
On a much happier note, I have discovered more friends in other places. And am just floored over 42nd street. And actually finally got a grip on my scene and it went very well. I am so proud of Marlen and I think that we both learned a lot, whether or not the scene was really great or not. Don't care, I was pleased. And honestly, that's what counts. My happiness. Everyone else... I tread upon your backs (just jokes, not really; ouch!)
Dreading upcoming V-Day. I hope that no one thinks I am a completely evil person. Kudos to all those who have love and valentines and all that stuff. Honestly, I think that it's great. But I'm still not to keen on the day. It really does force the awareness of my singleton life.
Okay, Ash is out of shower so I'm out. Love to all.
p.s. Jason, you are absolutly amazing, I know I said it before but I'm still floored by the whole show.
p.p.s. Thanks for dinner tonight Brennan. It was really great getting to hang out with you and my girls. Congrats on having a such a great audition.
p.p.p.s Yay to Ash for fun fun girls night!
p.p.p.p.s Daneel... lets just say that I owe you for a lot. Your secrecy, your love, and your overall friendship. Love you Troopa, so much! Glad you were there today.
The best dreams are always the worst because you just have to wake up to face reality
Its incredibly true. I had the best dream ever last night and I can not stop thinking about it. Well, what I can't stop thinking about is the fact that it was just that - a dream. I woke up almost believing it, and then my mind kicked over to real life. Why? I know that I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to fall back asleep and be able to live in that happy world for longer. But the eyes had been opened and the rest of my brain awoke. I was denied paradise. I am tired of these dreams. The same thing happened in movement class. As soon as we stepped out of our plastiques I felt remorse and was just plain depressed. The image was so beautiful that it just wasn't meant to exist. And I hate it. Lets use a cliche phrase, "It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all" - try it sometime and please tell me how you feel. Because it's that loss, any loss, that becomes overwhelming.
Not that I am completely miserable. I guess I'm just contradicting myself. Because at least I remember the dream. To be there again is impossible, I know. But at least I can recall it. I hate that it felt so real. But if it hadn't been, then it just wouldn't have been so amazing.
oh and p.s. Jeff - don't even get me started. I am willing to fight this until I die. Romance IS dead. Thank you to Rachel for the creation of ISAD. It's a much more realistic approach to one very pointless day. For me at least, I'm not going to knock it for people who are rightfully allowed to celebrate it. Infact, I say cheers to all those who can! Infact (again), on V-day, I plan to have a drink for every happy couple that exists. Nothing like making out wth a bottle of tequila to turn it into a happy day! love and hugs!
"I've been going since I was eleven...(so for three years then)"
So it is currently under examination that my mind and body are working in complete reverse tandum, and slowly killing each other. I am always wanting to go on the net when I get home (mostly blogging... sad I know) and then the next day I am just fricken dead-tired. "I can't stand it!!!"
SLEEP LEAH, SLEEP!!
Thank you for the movie tonight Troopa, I had such a good time with you. No matter what we do or for how long, it is always fun. Try to get some sleep you little tomata you! Crazy Lady
On that topic, I will admit to my one failing trait when trying to convince myself that I am not girly. I normally cannot watch chick-flicks and then actually enjoy them. But the best "me time" movie ever is Bridget Jones' Diary. I just love the romanticism that happens to her, even though she is overweight and socially handicapped etc, etc. I am in love with the whole story. So tonight my Lady and I saw Bridget Jones' 2: The Edge of Reason. And despite the critics, it is just as great as the first one. Her idiotic-ness reminds me of stupid things that I have done. Of course, it is depressing at the same time, because she always gets the gorgeous gentlemanly babe of a man Mr. Colin Firth. I want a Colin Firth... scratch that, any boyfriend would do. I understand that I should not be shooting for the stars. I am only going to keep shooting myself in the foot. I hate to admit to this because I have come to the conclusion long ago that there is no such thing as a truly romantic guy anymore. Or original romantic situation. But I can't help dream.
"I'm all alone, theres no one here beside me... I think I needa hug.."
P.S. (just for Joel) The answer to your query is quite simple my friend. The reason that the government supports sports, and not the arts is for one reason only. They are being brainwashed by pom pom throwing - encouragement giving - spanky pant wearing CHEERLEADERS!! I have discovered through much dangerous undercover work that the whole of the government is under their power. Because where would cheerleading be without the sports?? They are clever though, and disguise this corrupt reign by feining idiocy and acting like complete and total retards when asked the simplest of questions. Do NOT be fooled, it is only a trick to put you under their spell. Why do you think that in American high schools, Cheerleaders get more scholarships then Football stars??? (completely true fact). It is uncanny, but only adds futher evidence to my claim.
Thank you for the excellent query my dear, I now bid thee goodnight.
Splashing through Puddles (in rubber boots)
Walking through town on a beautiful day. Basking in the sun even though a winter coat still surrounded me. Closing eyes, I feel nothing but warm sun and happiness. Looking past the cars and other vehicles to see the beautiful park, all still decorated with winter cheer and soft loving music playing over hidden speakers. Wanting to savor this moment, I am interrupted. By the heart warming scream of a child in delight, skating over the ice with their patient dad. Beautiful moments.
Life rushes by, more so now then ever. Why can't they slow down so more people can experiance these types of days?
Be gone winter. Scrap that, be gone self hating, dark and cold times. the winter itself is quite beautiful, but I have been and always will sun-kissed. That is when Leah comes through. so therefore I cannot wait for the sun. I am tired of being grumpy and bothersome. I am done with that. There are so many people that I have gotten to know that I want to get to know even more. Yay for old friends, and new. And those newest who I have yet to even meet yet. I'm sure that I will love them as well.
Shout-outs to all those reading this and mental love to all those who don't:
Jay (fix your comp i always have the best stories to tell you but forget at school)
Joel (your hugs are the best)
Rachel (can't wait for morning time baileys - assuming that we don't get attacked in the night...)
Dee (my Troopa! you know that I wear the satin just for you)
Jeff (what can I say? other then I want my dvd back! We're back baby!!!)
and to all others who i have forgotten (i haven't actually forgot you, I'm just trying to make this not such a typical leah-long blog) I love you all.
love and hugs everyone! The sun is shining and happy Leah is back.
