To's and I's and Time's
Time to dissapear for a while
To one, I don't think that you know everything that you think you know
I just discovered that everything I thought I thought I didn't
To another, hold on to what you had. Even if it is no longer a "have".
To a third, I have changed it. Hopeful romantic
I am blind.
To everything
I need to re-learn people
Time to rise
To yet another, the strings are cut
The kite is loose.
To one more, time happens.
Whether we want it to or not.
To secrets, I no longer give you hope
Only life, love or occasional thoughts
To me...
For now...
Leah: Part One
In response to the blog of a long lost, truly missed best friend and recent events I have decided that I really need to take a weekend (or week) and re-evaluate who I am. My goal and dreams. My relationships. My own personality. That is the key one.
A good friend was given a task regarding me "Something that you have always wondered about me"
His reply: "How you have the will power to forget and forgive so many people and continue being their friends after they have burnt you harshly. I admire!"
But I am going to ask whoever reads this now: is that really admirable? Or is it just naive? Because when I think back to all the times that I have been burnt (and there are so many more that this friend didn't even know about) I realize how some were small and inconsequential. But others.. others have to led to more and more and then more times again where I just set myself up again to be hurt.
I need to discover the
real me. Not the theatre me, or the Stony Plain me, or the jock me, or the lover me. But the blender version of everything that I am and love and have experienced. because I change all the time. Moods will always effect us, so I can't help that.
My biggest problem is my relationships with ... everyone. I know right now that I love too easily. I can't help that. Underneath my "I'm one of the guys" Leah, there is an incredibly romantic Leah. Alright romantic may be the wrong word to use. I mean yes romantic because I want to be loved and love someone else. But also I just have a romantic view on life itself. There is the Hollywood Leah talking. This is what I mean.
Biggest revelation of late: I don't know have the things that I think I know. My mind fastens an image onto everything that maybe I need to understand more first. Because when something happens that is contrary to my image, I find it hard to take. And hard to believe. And in the end, often get burnt by not being smarter.
So back to the romantic Leah. She also realized something. I took a look at my hero's. Especially the one living currently. Angelina Jolie is a single mother. Now twice. A single mother raising two children, caring for entire nations (UN Goodwill Ambassador) and still working in the career that she loves and revels in. A academy award winner, HBO award winner twice. Divorced twice. That is a huge life. But I can't stop thinking about her children. A SINGLE mother. I can't stand being a single student even though I am too busy for a relationship in my mess of a life right now. But look at everything that she has accomplished. And it's not that some one left her, this was her choice. Yes, she has the love of her children, but still. She is an incredibly strong woman and for that I know why I idolize and love her. I could never imagine being that strong. But I want to be.
Anyway, this post I guess is going to have to be left unfinished. Because until I do sort some things out, there is no end. I guess there never really is.
But I am tired so we'll save that for another day. For now, I don't want to even think one more thought tonight.
"Goodnight..."
"... To every little hour that you sleep tight" - Smashing Pumpkins. One of their best songs on the ultimate best album. D'arcy is beautiful. So is this song.
I move out soon. Not soon enough. Rehearsals started. Excited. Lots of packing to do. Gym still doesn't seem to be working. It's broken. Eating like last year again. Either nothing but coffee, or a ton of junk. Probably why the gym is broken. Lots of fun songs to learn. For both school and fringe. Playing guitar again. I miss it. And the caluses that I used to have, my fingers hurt (calus..callous...?) Unfortunately I am terrible. Writing music. Well lyrics. The music is in my head but I am a singer, not a song writer. So thats a dead end road. Reading books. Finished one in two days. Bought more. Working. Working. Still working. Working longer hours at clinic. Working less and yet still too often at salon. Boss is starting to really bother me. But then, that is just one thing on a list of ... too many.
I keep looking up costs of flying/staying in places that are anywhere but here. All of them out of the country. If I had the money I wouldn't even think twice.
Bats are Nocturnal -The Leah-Bat stops at 3:00
Okay so this is the Canada Day post. Or.. it was. But to just save myself the time now that other people are quicker than I, everyone please just read Jason's post "Canada Blog". Because that my friends is pretty much exactly my weekend. Because I definitely don't think that I left his side. Minus the wrestling part. Why? Because I definitely passed out at 3:00. I am talking out cold. I truly don't remember most of the night and it is slightly bothering me. I am pretty sure that I didn't do anything stupid. Well too stupid. I was more mellow as since I had been drinking since 3:00 that afternoon without food I was not feeling all that great. but I still had such a blast anyway.
And I apologize again to all who were in the vicinity of me whilst opening my coolers. Especially those with white shirts.... I don't really remember but the stories told are embarrassing and I feel really really bad. Left me know if stains occur, I will replace ruined items. Promise.
To go backwards in time, the HOJA shows were awesome, especially the final. I couldn't have planned a better way to celebrate ye ol' Canada's B-day. Congrats on such a great night!
Even more back in time I was sooo freakin happy to see my Troopa! I miss you like temptations during lent! haha I wish that I could have gotten to show you our apartment but alas the time was just too short. I am counting down the days until we spend our first night there. There will definitely be liquor and pictures. Lots of liquor and pictures. Love you sucky baby!
Anyway, that is my wonderful long weekend. Plus today's seeing War of the Worlds. So good. But for a great laugh, watch the original and tell me what the ships look like to you. It's hilarious. For now, it's time to figure out if I really do look like Janet Jackson...
