I am Cold
I have decided that living in teeny tiny apartment does no good whe I come home to big old drafty house where it is EFFIN COLD!!! Good Lord. Honestly, I turn up the heat, I have been wearing multiple sweaters. It does no good, I am frozen. Like a little Leah popsicle.
Anyway, in recent news on the Leah front, I have been busy visiting with family, and yet not busy at all compared to what we are used to. At school I mean. So it has been so nice to relax. Christmas this year was fantastic, I was spoiled and feel bad because I have no money of my own to spoil others. But I'm a college student right? Moms and I went shopping a couple days ago so that was tiring but so great to spend some mom/daughter time together, then the family minus Lacey went to see King Kong. Last night I went out to dinner with a whole bunch of friends from high school and man it was good to see those faces. I never EVER see anyone outside of school anymore, especially since Gillian moved to Australia. So it was great to talk about things other than shows, and complaining about rehearsals and everything. Laughing about stupid things we all did, and things we remember made me actually miss this place. I am so happy with everything that is going on in my life, and want to continue with everything, but I am allowing a small amount of reminiscing before I go back to school. Because I know being in Stony Plain will not exactly help my career choice. But it is really nice to go back everyonce in a while. So THEN we pack up at like 9:30, just after Ali left, and head down to (good lord) Stony Plain Old Bar. At 9:30, on a Thursday night there is already a decent amount of people there, and a few that I know. So within half an hour or so, the whole team rolls up. I must have been partying with about 20 guys that I haven't seen since convocation. It was insane. But really awesome to hang out with them. Talk about feeling like one of the guys again, nothing had changed. Me a little, but otherwise nadda. I miss those really good friends who just partied together and there was no talking about others, no backstabbing, nothing. We were making fun of each other left right and center, and everyone was laughing and sharing old party stories. I can't BELIEVE the shower story got out. I guess the whole world knew and I thought that I had kept that one hidden. Yikes, I turned into a bright tomato in a split second. But still, there is no feeling awful or embarrassed for long around those guys. They laugh for a second, someone buys you a drink and someone else asks you to dance. I miss that soooooo much. And despite the fact that they haven't left Stony Plain, most are making god money, and most are still pretty good guys. A couple are even really good guys, I had forgotten about that, I just wanted to get out of there so bad. Not that I could go back to stay. Never. But I do need to visit the old bar once a month or two just to keep in touch. It was great.
The one bad thing: Stony Plain will never EVER ban smoking. They would lose way too much business. It was gross, and I feel like I smoked a pack today. But everything else can stay. For now, I need to jump in the shower and smell like roses again. Or Pantene Pro-V.
I am HOME!!!!!!
Good god, it feels so good to be at home. Because I am here to stay for a couple weeks, and that means not looking out my window at the school everyday and feeling guilty for not working on something. I've got most everything that I need to start next year in order, so I am coming home to rest without too many worries. And it feels so good. We've been so busy and it's only going to get worse so I am relaxing.
I stayed home by myself at the apartment to get some things done before I left and realized something. I lived there for a month in the summer before Daneel moved in and I absolutely loved it. I was totally fine and it was the first time that I had ever been on my own. But since Andra, Daneel and Brennan all are gone, ho man is it ever lonely there. I mean it is nice to have that quiet and space but I am just not used to it. I miss Brennan more than anything. I am actually really really surprised by it, and by how much I was used to having people around all the time. It's nuts. I couldn't sleep very well (so for my thats not sleeping like the dead) things kept waking me up at night, my heater sounds like my house is going to explode (poor andra for surviving it as long as she did) I hear people in the rest of the building and its just plain creepy there now by myself. But I'm home in the country now so it won't be lonely I'm sure. Two siblings, mom, dad, fat cat, and random relatives that are popping in and out over the holidays. And my own little stow-away coming out on the second. I can't wait.
So heres to happy times over the Holidays. Friends and family and world I wish you the biggest Merry Christmas ever. I was so happy driving out here today that I felt like writing a song and hugging people. Yeah, I'm weird I know. And I am still working out the New Years Thing guys, I don't know if it's going to happen or not, but I really want it to. Anyway, I will talk to you all later. For now, it's time to finish wrapping gifts!!!
I am Afraid
I have been last year Leah again lately. And I am very afraid. I have no reason to go back there, I love every single thing about my life right now. Well, everything is content and most everything is fantastic. So why?
I got to talk to my parents tonight after a slight worry that something bad had happened. Thank god it was my imagination but it made me realize how much I miss them. I could not wait to get out of that place and into my own space and start my own life. But you never can really escape your family, if you keep even the smallest piece of them with you. And although moving out was the best thing that I have done so far (including helping with school, stress, and family issues) I really miss having that family around. Because no matter how annoyed I was or they were, I never actually thought that they did not love me, or that they were not trying to protect me. And how can you beat a love that strong that no matter how difficult the obstacle or how rough the road gets you never question the love underneath? I love you so much.
This also made me question other areas in my life where I have been feeling afraid. There were, unfortunatly, more then one. But I finally confronted one and though it was incredibly scary (fearing that I had lost the absolute best thing that I have right now) I got to the other side and I am not afraid anymore. For the time being. You can't live without fear all the time because then you will never be able to grow and learn. Each fear is the next step up the stairs.
To a second fear, I am starting to conquer you. Each step is not perfect, each look or motion is not solid. But the blueprints are starting to lay themselves out. And being the math girl that I am, I like blueprints. They make me smile and represent a challenge. And this makes me smile more then anything. "Fearless". Thats what she said to me. "Fearless". I think that that is possibly the best compliment that I have ever recieved, especially from someone that I look up to. Thank you so much. I won't let you down, I promise. Cross my heart.
Finally the last big fear on my plate as of right now. Sure there are more, but these are the three that are always on my mind lately. And this is one that I have been trying to conquer for some time. But always to no avail. So I am thinking now that it is time to be the bigger person and put it aside. Though it is going to be incredibly hard to do. And the scariest part is that it is going to hurt. A great great deal. And maybe not just me. I am positive that it will hurt someone else as well. I think. And I don't want to do that. But do I make it easier and finite for myself and harsh and sudden on them? Or do I do what I have been failing at for the past half a year and let it completely drift away from the other person? I don't want to be a forgotten memory because I will never be able to forget. Ahh, I just don't know what to do.
But I think that I will dwell on that one later (haha, where have I heard that before...) and think about the other two fears that are making my life so amazing right now. Because that is a much happier place for me to be. Eventually i hope that the other one stops hurting and that I finally stop having to fear it.
For now, on to much more difficult questions: like what to get everyone for christmas...... scary I know.
