Let's throw something at her... Like a bullet
Title quote: compliments of the king of sarcasm, my lovely Jason.
Long days at school, on top of super long weeks. Sometimes you just need to get out of that place. Like today. I couldn't have left fast enough. But I am sick of complaining. Its not going to remedy anything. Okay, I'm not going to say that I won't still bitch because it's just a given in this program. Everyone bitches about everyone else. There must be something about me that other people bitch about... Suddenly the word "bitch" doesn't make sense anymore.... riiight. Well, only one day left. Then a LONG awaited/needed visit with the best man I've ever known.
On that note; In response to my best friends last blog "No Apologies":
This past school year I have come to know a very new school, life pace, and overall existence. And I will admit that the adjustment was incredibly difficult. But the beginning was made so much more bearable because of the love and support of my best friend. Yet sadly, once I began to get comfortable and insanely busy, this friendship drifted. The love was still there, but the contact dramatically lessened and since then there has been more then one problem between the two of us. But since recent events and long awaited conversations I have come to realize the arrogance in it all.
Jeff, I love you with all of my heart. I hope that you know that, and also never forget it. You and I just work, and keep each other sane. Thank you so much for being there to help me get used to this new life. I regret having drifted somewhat lately, but you are right; nothing will change between us. This summer really was the best I've ever had. I will never forget incredibly long nights, endless movies and arguing over who's turn it is to come over. I really do miss it. But I have such amazing memories to keep me happy. Okay, you win this one; I won't give up. Just yet.
You are far, when I could have been your star
You listened to people who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough to even make a start
You'll never find, peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart
People, You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will, If you let them s
teal your heart from you
People, Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through
Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So far, But please don't take my heart
You are far. I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces To mend my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
You must have been kissing a fool
I said you must have been kissing a fool
But remember this, Every other kiss
That you'll ever give Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you, Like I always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other
You are far, When I could have been your star
You listened to people Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
You must have been kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool
- Michael Buble "Kissing a Fool"
Trial and Error
Is it wrong to be completely head over heels for someone who doesn't even see you? Maybe. So then, is it wrong to try to date other people in an attempt to get over said person? I don't know. Ha, I'll never know. Anyway, lets hope that my date goes over decently enough. I don't even care if it doesn't work out. I just want to know if I can actually have a good time. Damn that amazing person that I can't stop thinking about. Oh well. He doesn't know I like him. He barely even knows me. Ah well, I can love at a distance. Its just so ridiculous the things that go on in everyday life. Stupid chauvenistic assholes who try to conquer the world, self indulgent indiots who think they are fantastic. Its people like this who make others seem so amazing. Not that I'm trying to say that they need someone else to make them look good. They are captivating just by themselves. Especially by themselves.
p.s. lets all wish Ellen a happy 47th birthday today! She is so fabulous!
I'm tired and therefore my main blog will have to come tomorrow.
I have been reading over my past blogs, and discovered that they are all not so happy thoughts. But that is not my reason for this little bitty. I have recieved so many comments/emails over the past little while and I want everyone to know how much I love and appreciate you all. Everyone has been so amazing to me, and even the slightest things said can have such an impact. So thank you, everyone.
Oh I'm off to see a new life...
You can think that nothing is going right, and is only going to get worse. And then you find yourself a hero amidst the endless crowd of people with two eyes constantly blind to the rest of the world. I'm glad that there are some people who still care about others, and have the heart to want to help. It makes me think that there are some great things to enjoy in this life. It's been some time since there has been anything really worth while.
I have decided that my current state has gotten to the point where I almost feel physically sick when I think about how I feel. I can't stand how I feel and especially why I have no idea why I am feeling this way. Nothing like realizing that if you don't leave a room immediately for some sanctuary you are going to burst into tears. And its completely random. Thank you wangers, you have served many a purpose so far this year.
I apologize to all if I have been in any way annoying or depressing to be around lately. I am determined to change that as of now. But I still offer my regret that I have been acting like such a complete loser. There is a very intelligent woman who announced today that there are definately some things that are worth being happy for. Ever since I first opened my eyes I swear that I wanted to be on the stage. And when I saw someone amazing performing and I could see the excitement and love and utter joy for what they are doing, it made me want to be there even more. Thank you Doreen for reminding me why I chose this path. And why I plan to stick to this path. For now I understand that I'll be walking it alone. But I can deal with that, because I know that theres a beautiful emerald city waiting for me around the corner. And nothing can stop me from getting there.
A Mistake Reviewed
Scrap that last blog. Its all for nothing. Revue just doesn't have the same appeal anymore. Sorry.
Aside from that, I want to thank someone for being there when I really needed it. Maybe I didn't want anyone to be around, but someone was. And I am forever grateful for that. Things have been done, and regrets are abundant. But I'm not upset. Actions inspire reactions, and in this case the reaction was incredibly important. I guess that this is actually a thank you to
all people who take a moment out of each day to think of something besides themselves. You may never know what a simple smile, or kind gesture can do to lift someones day. These are the things that have renewed my faith in the kindness of others. When you are down, you often may think that kindness does not exist. But it does. And its that moment of realization that is so vital. It can come at exactly the right moment, when you think that you have hit the bottom and someone offers a hand to help you up. A hug to hold you steady. And an arm to help you walk again.
Thank you for everything. for my happiness. for my sanity. for my life.
Revue....Rebue....Reshmue....
So for all of you music lovers out there who enjoy taking in the delightul talents of some amazing singers, you should definately come out next week to see the G-Mac first years in their Musical Revue. It's going to be a fun-filled night of laughs, tears and happy endings.... yes. Performance time is Sat. Jan 22, 2005 at 7:00p.m. at the City Center Campus theatre in 105th Street Building (really easy to find the theatre in the building). Hope to see you all out there!
And now that that little advertisement is over with... lets continue to talk about singing. I can't believe how excited I am for the revue. Just watching Janet go over the songs was so awesome to see all of the ideas that she has for everyone, and also to realize how much everyone has improved (even though the class was painfully long) And its made me wonder, how much have I improved since being here? The answer: I don't think that there is even a scale to determine how much I have improved (by that I mean its a lot) At first I wasn't sure how much Lary has been helping me in classes, or if it was just another place to sing, but my first lesson back with him was awesome. He has me doing some new warm-ups and stuff that is going to be so benificial. And I think that I sang my song the best ever. I really really REALLY hope that revue goes well. But I know that it will. Its mostly my own song that I am worried about. I know how difficult the song is, and I have been working incredibly hard on it. I have come to the conclusion that when singing "belting as high as they can" I actually should be belting...hmm. too bad I haven't been able to. Well, in a performance anyway. Shut up to all of you amazing people reading this, I find belting a D quite difficult. Especially with a cold voice. But I've done it before, so I hope that its works again. I think I can, I think I can. Boo, I know that I can. And will. mwahaha....Okay time to practice again. What would I have to live for if there was no such thing as singing???
Quote of the Day (this one goes out to you jason):
"You bloaty? queazy? woozy? gasey? Gasey? It's gas isn't it?"
It just keeps going and going and going...
"Hold me Bat Boy, touch me Bat Boy"
Oh yes, those are actual lyrics. Welcome to "Bat Boy: The Musical". It just doesn't get much better then that...
Anyway, long long long day at school with a 6 hour break. Well, I only had a 5 hour and 15 minute break. So THERE! Riiight. I got a lot of things done though. Including another invigorating workout. Thank you Daneel for the butt comment. It made my morning. Love you! Spent the rest of day bored as hell, but I actually did get some work done. Ah, I forgot. Lets backtrack. Hmm this weekend was interesting. I have decided that I am way to tired for my own good. Its horrible when I drink half of what will normally get me to pass out, and yet I still do. With a lovely ending to that night alright...ugg. Lets say that sunday I was a literal invalid. Yikes. Should have just stayed home. No more drinking for this alcoholic...
I'm wondering if I have become invisible again. I want to be where I am right now, but am I just lieing to myself that I'm decently progressing? I think so. I'm pretty sure that I'm caught up in one big fairytale world. With all the talent that surrounds me, how in the lords name do I actually succeed? There is no bloody way. Why can't there be a big posted sheet that lists every teacher I know and a list of their favorites in the program? So at least then I'm not guessing at where I place in the bottom ranks. I'd then at least have some proof to go on. I'm so frustrated with not being able to dance, of being stuck back in the shadows and of being unable to embrace myself again. I'm lost within my inner maze of me wondering, well I think Bruce Willis said it best: "Wheres the fucking door?"
Exploding Coffee and Sore Buns
Okay, so never again will I work out before a day that consists of three dance classes! Yeah, definate smart more on my part there. Owweeee! But at least I know that I actualy can go to sleep sometimes, rather then being a stupid insomniac. Too bad I'm only tired at school and not when I have the luxery of my nice cozy bed... huh weird. Anyway, I had quite a good nap today in the good ol movement room. Thats twice now in a row. This time shared with Jason though and his delightful snoring (j/k I didn't even notice until I woke up) But yeah, these classes are kicking my ass. But still super fun. As frustrating as tap can be, I still enjoy it, just wish that I was better. Practice maybe..naw (who am I kidding, I'm a try hard) and I swear that everytime we have a student for a day Dave decides to show off by making us work extra hard during pilates. Oh yeah, once again met Brennan who was the student for a day. Seems like a really cool guy. Hope that he had fun and we didn't scare him off. Cause theatre kids aren't hard to get used to....... (insert sarcasm here) Finally there was jazz class. Good Lord, this class just keeps getting better. And I don't even care anymore that I don't have amazing flexability and can't kick myself in the head or something like that (stupid batmau-endnflnf-nts!!!) Just having fun with it is awesome, and being able to get that fast kick step thing just made my day. Nothing better then when Jackie compliments, I don't think that I could have been any happier right then. Maybe this dance thing isn't as bad as I thought... well, at least its fun. I'm still going to have to work at getting any good. Oh well. I'm pleased. Screw that, that new kick thing is going to be part of my everyday walk now. MWAHAHAHAHA
So now that I am nice and frozen in my igloo-style home and all nice and full of chinese food, and sick to death of the taunting sound of a metronome, I feel as though I might actually be able to get some sleep tonight. Oh man, how nice would that be! Looks like I'm off then. Goodnight all. Love and hugs!
(p.s. Daneel, I'm going to get you a new cup as soon as I can. love you babe)
Welcome to the New Year 2005 - Leah Style!
Okay, hmmm what has all happened in the new and improved life of Leah as of the New Year?
Thursday: So I got rounded up by a few old friends (Reegan, Katie, Gill, Charles, Robin, Casper, Jodi, Amber etc .... wow, I can't believe that I actually got to see all you guys again!) Anyway, in reference to my last blog, bars are officially a-ok in my books. So maybe I didn't hook up with anyone (not that I really wanted to) but having a little fun on my part is just fine too. Infact, I'm not embaressed but pleased with myself. Considering I've never even been hit on/had anyone buy my a drink before that I didn't already know. So this pleases me. My curse has been broken. To bad it took 18 years! (okay so I've only been going to the bar for about 4 months, but whatever...)
(Friday) New Years: HOLY HANNA THAT WAS FUN! Okay, so maybe I didn't have a new year kiss, but I did spend the majority of my night making out...with a large bottle of champagne. Meh, what can you do. That wasn't even half of everything that I drank that night. But it was really awesome to see all those people who came out, though I am actually relieved that no more did come. Not that I don't want to see anyone, but my house was trashed enough thank you. haha, no hard feelings, it's all clean now.
So after newyears (JAN 01/05) YEEHAW! Time to start anew. I have many resolutions, the first one is to not break any of my resolutions... so we'll see how this month goes for starts, then the rest of the year. But yeah, had a hell of a time cleaning up my place on a few hours of sleep. Oi was I ever tired. Then.. what the hell did I do? Oh, right, I went to visit my aunt and uncle and cousins in the city. They are moving into a new house that they had built. Well, it won't be done until the 27th, so until then they're living in a ritzy hotel suite (nicer then my own house I must add ....jealous...) But I guess that I will be living with them once they move in...grklnfkdsjfkh about the other place (don't even get me started, I'm still fuming) Or maybe move in with Kaitlyn. Plans are as of yet undecided. Saw Lemony Snicket... talk about a lot of cameos/lots of people in this movie.. don't know if its something that I'd want to take children to see..kinda dark..
I don't think that I did a damn thing on sunday. Well, not for the day part. But finally got to see my son-of-a-bitch best friend Jeff. you ever leave me again like that and I will kill you. You are pardoned this time ; )
Thank you for being your amazing self and I missed talking with you.
Song of the day: You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This - Toby Keith hehehe
Monday (wow, I'm getting up-to-date finally) Hung around home (well, slept around home ... haha dirty minded me) Naw, Jeff left around 3:00ish, so being the insomniac that I have become, didn't sleep until forever, and when I did, didn't get up until 2. So that was my day gone. But got all nice and ready, did some shopping (Daneel, I still have your xmas present waiting for you) and then picked up my alison who I haven't seen in about forever and went out to O'Byrens Pub. good times again were had by all. It was crazy to see everyone all come out! Can't wait for school just to see everyone again. then I'd enjoy going back to sleeping in until 2, if no one minds....right. Night was great, save for stupid creepy creepers. Oh, and April, you are amazing that was soo sweet of you. love you!
Whew, that is a fe-kacking long blog. but I'm all covered now. I don't think that I plan to do a damn thing today. Just sit and get ready for school. And actually divise my New Years Resolutions. I need to tattoo them to my forehead. Actually, I'd probably just procrastinate about that tattoo too! Damn you Jason! Okay, second resolution: stop procrastinating!
I'm done, and food and clothing call! love and hugs!
The first day of the rest of my life...
is one where I just want to fall asleep. This break has been absolutly phenomenal, but it is all catching up with me. In the past week, I have been drinking and/or been drunk almost every night. And now it's sleepy time. Thursday night showed something very interesting . The Curse has been BROKEN! I am no longer untouchable. Wow, that sounds sluty (only because I know the whole story) and maybe it is, but that is the first time that the bar has proved promising (other then lots and lots of dancing with girls and other friends) Way to end 2004! Keep it up 2005.
(p.s. the next blog will be much more interesting and personal about the year past. For now, I am going to sleep through a movie)
(p.p.s. jeff, come home soon [even though I'm still going to kill you]. I miss you)
