Walkin in a Winter Wonderland...in MAY!?!?!
Last week we were all at the park. Bathing suits, BBQ, even sunburns. Now the only burn I'll get is windburn from the snow being so cold. Lucky people who went back home....
Now that the fact that we are out of school has worn off and the relaxation week is over, I am starting to stress yet again. At least with at school even though we were so effin busy and tired, our lives were planned out for us. Classes, performances, everything. My summer is the complete opposite. I know all of the stuff that I have to do, but HOW is the big question. I need to find a living space (okay found, but we need it to be open in Aug...) I need to find a better job to pay for living next year, I need to keep up with all of my schooling (singing, dancing) but that requires time and money. I need to figure out where the hell I am going to be traveling (east coast, LA??) and how. And yet, I still want to have a life because next year we won't again. So does that mean that I just am never allowed to have a life? I sincerely hope not.
Helping friends pack and move lately has been a lot of fun but it's making my ache for the day when I can finally move out. I almost want to start packing now. Yet talking with other moving people unfortunately reminded me of some things that I had purposely tried to forget. I hope that I am either gone, or too busy in August to notice. Because that is truly going to be a test of me and myself. Hopefully this summer changes things. Even if it does, there is no way in hell that I am not going to notice even if it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it might. Though I am still rooting for not at all.
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In other news:
I have quit even trying to be friends with certain people now. I don't deserve to be treated like that, and frankly, they don't deserve to have me treat them with the friendship that I think that I have been giving them. Tonight was the fifth time thats happened, and that's only the times that I can remember. I am absolutely furious and not embarrassed to admit it anymore. Because this is the final straw. I have no hard feelings towards anyone else for being friends with them. But I just can't do it. Nothing to lower your self esteem then having someone bitch to you about how much their life sucks and no one ever thinks about them when I drive around the city for a hour and a half because I wanted to hang out with someone I once considered a very good friend. That's right, no one ever thinks of you. But then that's all I am. No one. Or if I am someone, it's someone expendable enough to forget, ignore, toss around and then throw away. Fine then. I am gone.
Queen Bee
That's me. Well, I guess that's an overstatement. But its been a good day. None the less. I officially rawk the Kasbah in laser tag! WOOOT!!! Kiss my ass kiddies! lol okay, it was probably beginners luck, but I want to try again to figure out. It was so much fun! And that, ontop of a great HOJA show (so glad to have converted. Actually, to have officially been introduced is more like it) it made my day. You guys are awesome. Now to make my night, I get a job. YAY! So maybe it's really part time, but at least it's something for now, so I can stop sweating buckets. Muscles are actually starting to relax. yay
p.s. I tried to aid myself in my little predicament and instead discovered how ridiculous I really am. And now I am frustrated because of a viewing that shouldn't have happened. It was an accident, honestly. Arg: 16 October 2004 ; 24 October 2004 ; 26 October 2004 . Wish I hadn't stumbled across. But I did. So back to square one...
Option A
Unfortunatly, that was the answer that I recieved. No matter how much I told myself that it didn't matter, that I just wanted to know, and that I shouldn't get my hopes up, I did. And you know, I knew what the answer was going to be. I didn't want to be right, but I was. And even though I knew, it still hurt. Despite my best efforts. Not that there is anything to be done. I guess I kind of feel like an idiot for working so hard to build up a great friendship, only to have it be that reason that ruined it all for me. Well, thats my life in a nutshell. I work towards something and it usually goes against my efforts. At least in this department. I get an "A" for trying, even though I always fail. And there really is nothing like the stock response. The care and friendship that really goes into it honestly makes me feel so loved and truly cared for. To know that "hey, it's true we are such good friends, lets not ruin it". Because when you really care about someone you shouldn't be friends. That would just make the relationship terrible. I sound so negative and I don't mean to, or want to. Sure, I shed my tears after. And a few more on the drive home. But it will pass. I should have realized by now that my head never agrees with my heart. Because I love the friendship that I have. Maybe I want more. Okay, scrap the maybe. But I finally got a straight answer today. So therefore I am going to be very thankful for what I do have.
Despite that, today was a great day. Spent last evening and forever with an amazing babe who I adore so much and is an amazing friend to me. Looked at a great place and am so excited to move out. Had a great time at the park followed by a much needed nap. Woken up to phone call, getting ready and then met up with an awesome new friend (yay Cuff) and saw an interesting movie (Sin City). Then met up with other friends, hung out in the Tinky Tank (my car) all squished and off to late night coffee at Denny's. This day was piled high with friends, and I loved it. I hope that this is a prelude to what my summer will be like. Minus the tears. Tears of joy, okay, that I guess I can handle. I had such a great past year, and am super pumped for this summer and next year. Have a great one everybody!
Long night, long day, long week - all finished
But sitting at the almost end of this week, I have realized that this week was incredibly exhausting and stressful, but so much fun too. I know that I almost killed myself worrying about everything, but I also had soo many fun moments that I can barely remember all of them. Nothing like a studying picnic in the movement room, indoor water fights (and/or water bottle wrestling), many many MANY coffee/slurpee/candy trips (I love the 7/11) and just laughing so so hard. It has definatly been a laughing week and my voice is showing the signs. But hey, I don't have to sing for any marks for four months now. Yay.
So update from last blogs' worries:
Monday - ear training really was nothing to worry about. I always get myself worked up for nothing. Worked on tap project, was ditched, was un-ditched, no apartment shopping, went home because plans fell though. Not your fault, don't think that I think it is/was.
Tuesday - vocal masques AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Congratulations to all. I still don't think that mine was that great, but then it wasn't terrible. Some were so bloody fantastic and even inspiring. It was a great night, I laughed so hard.
Wed - the dreaded dance juries... were really really fun. I had a great time and think that I did pretty damn well. Hopefully. Tap projects was a blast. Not only with Teen Girl Squad, but with Cole's as well. Added a couple things and found a great project. Yay for being a hick. Everyone else is just jealous...
Thurs - today. Jay and I were at school way too early studying. engl was okay, p.a. not so great. But when I think about it, I had a really awesome day. The studying interrupted by coffee breaks and random laughing was just too much fun. Got some water dumped on me a bunch of times. hung out with jay at his house, watched Charmed of course, had a tasty supper and in rush to make it to musical revue because jay and i are helpless and needed each others help to get dressed... wow that sounds really wrong. Anyway, the revue was AWESOME. I am so proud of all of the second years and can't believe that they are not going to be around next year. AH!! Especially Brenna. She made my life and brought instant tears. I'll never forget, just like she said.
Wrapped up night with shared split second moment in parking lot and incredibly long drive home.
Now it's time for bed because interviews are going to be brutally long tomorrow. Goodnight all. Love and Hugs.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a whole lotta Ragtime
My way of winding down the evening. Chomping down cereal and humming Buffalo Nickel. Now that we don't have to sing these songs anymore, they are all going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the week. But the show was a complete and total success. To all who came out, I am so glad and hope that you did actually enjoy it. It was such a blast. I loved every moment about it. Okay yes, I bitched in the process, but the end result was just fantastic. Knowing that I came out of every single performance with the biggest smile on my face says it all for me. I loved it. And can't wait for next year. I am pumped.
Hopefully this week goes by just as well as the shows. I was nervous but got through. This week I'm scared shitless so the fingers are crossed.
Monday-ear training final
Tuesday-vocal masques AAAHHHH!!!
Wed-dance juries (even bigger AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!) plus tap project on top of that...eeeeeeep
Thurs- English AND play analysis final
Fri-the wheel
This is definitely starting to look like the week from hell. Good Luck to all trying to get through it....
Honestly, I went through all my nails putting on Ragtime, I just don't have any more to nervously attack this week. someone else's?.......
eeew
I must remember that what is in my head is not going to work in reality
Good Lord, I don't remember the last time I had such a blast with so many people. It was awesome. Yay for Rachel and April having such a fun birthday. I had a GREAT time. Though, I maybe got a little carried away, but it could have been worse. I could have played out the thoughts in my head. But at least I got to wear my new shirt. I am such a loser for being excited about wearing a new shirt. That doesn't sound like I'm poor and have no clothes does it...
So who wants to help me lose a bet?!?! Because I really want to. Honestly, I lose either way so let's make me happy in the long run, rather then the short one which will take me about ten seconds as I use my newly won ten bucks to buy tequila to drown my sorrows. That is going to be the big downfall of not being in school over the summer... I am going to have a hell of a lot more time to feel sorry for myself. Bah, thats so stupid. Leah, you are stupid.
Aside from that, I'm still pumped for Ragtime. rehearsals are getting slower and since changing venues we have to reblock a bunch of stuff. I hope that we are ready. But what am I saying, we will be. Riiight???
eeep!
A crumb in the bottom of a big brown freezer box
Week: Long, painful, depressing, odd. Yes, that about sums it up. Many of those terms can be doubled up on many different things too. Yikes. Let's just say mood swing-ey. Great, menopause at the age of 18. Oh Happy Day...
Worries from the Mind of Leah:
#1: I am deaf. I guess I always have been. Okay, not completely true. I have decent hearing, but I can zone out into other worlds in a split second. And it may take a couple "Leah!'s" to get me out of it. But I always come back. So no worries there. For the time being
#2: Finally starting to discover where I stand with the THAR republic. And that is at the bottom
#3: I am a stupid -
#4: selfish -
#5: childish -
#6: imbecile.
#7: Selfish should be mentioned twice, because I really am that terrible.
#8 :I am worried about what I am going to do this summer
#9: I really am getting nervous about that Loreal job. I know that it's a long shot, but I'm an idiot and got my hopes up. eep. Well, the fingers are crossed anyway.
#10 I am worried how I stay marks wise in all of my classes
#11: I am worried about what I am doing to do for the rest of my life
and the biggest thing running through this annoying girls head...
# 12......shouldn't even be mentioned because it's so stupid. But then again Tiana agreed with me, so it's nice knowing that I am not the only one in this boat. But I am really really fricken lonely. Yet where the hell do I meet someone? School? Definitely not. A bar/club? hah, that's an even bigger NO. So again, where the hell do I meet someone? Tiana (I know that you'll never read this but oh well) we honestly do need to have another serious discussion about this and figure out some options. I never thought that I would ever say that I missed dating. I was so happy to be free. But I suddenly became too free. Now I couldn't pick up a guy if my life depended on it. I hate spring time and all you fucken love birds. Go away, you depress me.
#13: I hate ridiculous hidden meanings and people who are blind. In more ways than one. I can't stand seeing it anymore, it's absolutely ripping me apart. Heart and soul.
There's my Happy Blog. I was even going to add how excited I am to go out this weekend, because I have wanted to go dancing since.. well since forever because that was the last time I went dancing. But now my fav people are ditching. yay.....
"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese Proverb
Man, I am such an idiot. Who honestly gets that careless? I swear that my mind is going on me. At 18, great.. Anyway, I always forget to put my keys back in the ignition lately, I forget something almost every day, and now I don't even look at what I'm doing and smack my left turn signal. Someone start the slow clap, please. It's the perfect moment.
Anyway, aside from that, I am alright. By alright I mean, not great, but not jumping out a ten story window. I know that everyone said that second term would be hard, but I didn't realize that it was going to be kick my ass and rape me repeatedly busy. I honestly commend all people who are going/have gone through this. It's insane. But rewarding. I can't wait for Ragtime, rehearsals are going so well, better then I had expected so that's a plus right there. I am still scared shitless because of masques, but that's not even at the top of my list of things to think about.
On the bright side, I can't wait to move out. I know that it's still a few months away, but I am looking forward to it with all of me. It'll be amazing. Mostly because then I'll be out of here. I may bitch about living out of my car, but right now I prefer it. But I'm done with bitching. For now.
Coming home yesterday was awesome. Perfect time of day when the sun was going down so I took a detour just to look at everything. Nothing like sun through the trees in the country. Call me a hick but I love it. That was my big salvation of the weekend. When you are so busy, it's amazing how beautiful something can be when you just take time to look. I need to do that more often.
Another plus was seeing old friends again. I am looking forward to the summer just to see everyone that doesn't live in the city. I love you all, but we have two years together. And there is nothing like old roots. Love you Gill and Daly, awesome to see both of you again. Until next time, Cheers!!!
